A Simpler Time

In Truth

A man is rich in proportion to the number of things
which he can afford to let alone.


Walden

Songs for Survival

Compromise

I hate giving titles, because then everybody who reads thinks that's what the poem/song/story/picture is all about. like that's the only thing it can be about.

But I have to admit, the roman numerals are getting ridiculous.

I am almost finished reading Magical Thinking, and I am definitely a fan. I've also started reading Run with the Hunted, and I'm actually ashamed and embarassed it's taken me this long to read more than a handful of random poetry by Bukowski. I'm in love. He writes and thinks the same crazy way I do, it seems.


I hope everyone is going to vote Tuesday!!! I have a dreaded 10am-11pm shift at work, but I will make time. I wasn't registered for the last election because I thought one vote, my small vote, really didn't matter, that there was no way Kerry would lose to Bush. Hah! I learned my lesson.

XXXVII

black and white
wrong and right
if it isn't broken
don't try to fix it
two sides to
every story
now don't say
you're sorry
if you don't agree
it's okay to
argue with me
because the choice
is never clear
the lines are
always smeared
opposites attract
were you never
taught that?
where one ends
who can tell
where the other
begins but
in the end
everybody wins
instead of
agreeing to disagree
lets open our eyes
consider the other side
find each other
in the middle
where black
meets white
and wrong
equals right



(ocotber 31, 2008)

I take six pills a day
to keep the demons away....

The Mourning After

i think forgetting her is worse than losing her

tonight, not again

I'm tired but I've got
too much on my mind
I'm just trying
to find the time
to get it all out
These words won't let me down
So tell me something
to get me through the night
Tell me something to
help me sleep tight
tell me some words that won't
keep me up all night
something like,
everything's gonna be alright
cause looking at this world now
I haven't got a clue how
to keep on believing that
there's any reason to
keep on dreaming


I'm filled with ambition
I wanna do everything right
but my good intentions
seem to get lost in the fight
Good intentions
can only get me so far
but I've been trying real hard...


(10-19)


(yes the title is a Jason Mraz song. go figure.)

Wings of an Angel

I know I posted a lot tonight, but I had to share this picture. I found it when I was looking for the Osprey one I used earlier.

If you get a chance to read and comment on my writings, please do. I crave feedback. Some are songs, some are poems, but is there really a difference?

(taken July 2008)

XXXVI

Gimme a quick fix on life
Get me away from this strife
I know it can't pay my bills
but if you'd just give me another pill
Something for a thrill
It'd help me through the day
I know you say, there's got
to be another way
but unless you can pay
I need a fix today
You say it's not true
I disagree with you
You don't see the truth
Money can buy happiness
Money can get me clean
But money is not enough
If you know what I mean


(October 7, 2008)

XXXV, or More About Me

I'm a contradiction
And a work of fiction
and I got no ambition
But I've got the will
and the motive to kill
I want to change and
I think it's kinda strange
how everyone's so lazy
It's downright crazy
We copy each other
like there's no other
way to behave, isn't it strange
I wanna be original
but it's all been done before
I'm telling you it's criminal
I know there's something more
in this life for me
I'm just looking for a way to be
my own best friend cause
that's all that matters in the end
And I think it's crazy,
how everyone's so lazy
It's downright crazy
We copy each other
like there's no other
way to behave, isn't it strange
I wanna be original


(October 8, 2008)

Bits & Baubles

I.
He was young and
filled with good intentions
we were two lost souls
just looking for attention


II.
Spent all my life looking for
a place to call home
been broke, used and bruised
and always so alone


III.
Why are people so afraid to
admit when they are wrong?
the casual lies
everyday costing millions
of lives




(summer 2008)

XXXIV

If these walls could talk they would
tell you what's really going on here
If you would listen I would
tell you that I really want you near
But you've been listening to the trees
instead of listening close to me
You've got your head in the clouds,
you're not willing to come down
I know you're scared, but baby
If you'd just let me
I would catch your fall
It's no trouble at all


(summer 2008)

XXXIII

let me down lightly
it's more than I can bear
give me your hand and give
me something warm to wear
because I feel cold in my soul
I feel the ground letting go
I'm floating here in a sea
of nausea, I need something
to hold onto, don't let me go
if I float away, I'll never
be able to find my way
back to you again
is this really the end?


(summer 2008)

XXXII

It's taken a long time
but now I see
who you really are
to be honest
I never thought
we would come this far
So I will remember
the good times we had
and try to learn
from the bad


(October 13, 2008)

XXXI

Running in circles around cliches
The same old routine everyday
We make the same mistakes
but we say, "It's all okay"
We're living in a fish bowl
Swimming in filth, it's a hell hole
We're in a glass house throwing stones
But we're only human, so
it's all okay, but me
I wanna live to see a better day
I'm gonna stand-up and do it my way
This earth has got to last
It's the only one we have


(October 13, 2008- unfinished)

XXX

Close your eyes
Pretend to fly
Childhood dreaming
Always was easy
The innocence of youth
The safety of you
Brings me back
To the day
When happiness
Was limitless
When fantasy was
Not just make-believe
When everyday
Was like a dream
Bring me back
Bring me back to that
Close your eyes
Lets fly




words, 10-14-08
picture, 8-5-08

About Me

-I look different everyday. Sometimes I wear glasses, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I have short hair, sometimes long. Sometimes I look skinny, sometimes I look fat. Sometimes I don't even recognize myself.

-I feel different everyday. Sometimes the glass is half-empty, sometimes half-full. Sometimes I don't want to get out of bed, sometimes I want to run the marathon mile. I contradict myself constantly but I don't care. It's who I am.

-I have several jobs at any given moment, but I haven't found anything that I want to commit myself fully to. I work at a movie theater, where I've been for nearly 8 years. It's not a job you can make a career out of though. I'm also a part-time teacher, and a few weeks ago I became a Party-Lite consultant with my friend Liz. We sell candles and split the paychecks. A few months ago I worked at Starbucks, and at this time last year I was working at a library.

-Photography, music, literature, and cinematography are my favorite things in the world. They can always turn a frown around. I was in band, choir, and theater groups for my whole life until I graduated high school (five years ago). I miss it all terribly, but it's easier to be on the outside watching now. In my small community, there are no groups I can join without being a full-time college student or religious.

-I am not religious, but I am spiritual. I believe in a higher power.

-Along with being a photographer, I'm an avid jewelry maker. I haven't tried to make any money of either yet, but I have been wanting to start participating in craft fairs and the like.

-If you would like to know anything more, just ask!

Tranquility

Lums Pond, 10-14

Whenever I'm having a bad day, week, month, year... I know I can just lose myself to the wilderness and it will all be okay.

We are running out of wilderness though. This earth needs to last....something's got to change.

On a different note, I just read comments on old entries, and I just added many new blogs to follow. Hopefully on a day when I'm not so tired and don't have to work so early, I can read more of them and leave comments. I started this with the intention and desire of meeting new people, people with similar interests and ideals. I just need someone to identify with sometimes....to make me feel less alone. Who doesn't need that?

Guilty Conscience

I confuse conscience with conscious all of the time... is there even a difference? (goes to dictionary.com)

she's not hooked on drugs like i thought that she was
she's not so usual

i have that jason mraz song stuck in my head. could it be because i heard it at least four times today? the same cd has been in my car for a while now, so i finally got the nerve to change and i put James Morrison Undiscovered in instead.

that's a lot of in's.

I'm only supposed to be home long enough to grab sneakers and my camera, but i've been writing monologues and soliloquys (ques?) in my head all day, so i thought i'd sit down and rant a little.

I'm skipping work today.

There was no parking and I was late, so I didn't stick around. I drove through the Brandywine Valley in the misty morning sun--listening to Mraz--BEAUTIFUL. I got a bag of books from the 1920's & 1940's from goodwill for $2--amazing. I also got a National Geographic book on alaska (enchanting). I want to learn as much as I can about it and go there next April, May or June. Instead of talking about how much I want to do something, I am going to do it. I am going to Alaska. I would love to hike the Stampede trail, and go to Chris McCandless "magic bus", but there's a river blocking it that is pretty much impassable, unless I go in the winter time. Alaskan winter? no thanks. I'm a sunny-kinda gal.

I should be using this time to work on my photography, since that's what I really want to do with my life. But I'm stuck. I can take pictures, sure. Then what? I need to save them, share them, get prints and a portfolio made. I need to get my own website. I need to get an interest in all of the dirty work that I couldn't care less about. I need to get the money to do it all.

mmmm I'm going to be fantasizing about Alaska all day now.

(next stop, cali)

Photography

I've been wondering for a while if I can use this for a photo journal, or if i'll need an outside image hoster and it would just be a pain. (how many pictures can i post? how long will they stay up?) so here we go.

these are from battery park, taken september 22nd

XXIX

come closer
he said
don't be afraid
i followed
but i left
in tears
I met a girl
cold and lost
follow me
i said
it's okay
but when I
turned around
I was staring
in a mirror



(september 10, 2008)

XXVIII

Baby I know you're tired
and this world's got you uninspired
but you gotta hang onto something
cause when you're grabbin at nothing
sooner or later you're gonna fall
and maybe no one will hear your call
and while you're in pieces on the ground
someone will come and kick you
just cause you're down
you'll be looking for a hand to hold
and you'll remember something you were told
i said to you, i can't spend my life waitin'
not while everything keeps changin'
until you learn to open your eyes
you're gonna keep falling for their lies
and so this is goodbye



(August 30, 2008)

XXVII

you tell me that
dreams are meant for sleeping
and fairytales are for children
i tell you that
it's only a matter of time before
your dreams start waking up
and fairytales, they really do come true
i say, i know all of this
because of you



(2004?)

XXVI

your implications
hurt more than
your actions
and words
they pierce
my core
you leave me
bleeding
on the floor



(July 3, 2008)

XXV

love can be an ocean
if you let it
it will cleanse you
just accept it



(July 3, 3008)

XXIV

spent my whole life searching
been left out on the sidelines
because I can't see
what's right in front of me


spend all your time dreaming
laying awake at night feeling
like you're alone in the world
but you're not the only girl
who's waiting for life to begin
who's waiting for warmth
who's waiting for love
who's waiting for him
tell me now, how do you get through
day after day, feeling so blue
you're lost in your head
you're lost in the clouds
you don't know how to get down
but you can see the storm clouds forming
you're waiting for life
you're waiting for warmth
you're waiting for love
you're waiting for him




(July 2, 2008)

XXIII

we are what we hate

XXII

I'm going to sleep
to dream tonight
and thank god for
the moonlight
cause a black sky
just doesn't seem right
I'm going to sleep
to dream tonight
with you on my mind
I'm going to take all
of my doubts and
leave them behind
I'll forget about my fears
and not worry about the years
& when I wake up I'll know
that I'll see you again soon
because whenever
I close my eyes
you will be there
waiting


(august 25, 2008)

Anne Sexton

from The Dead Heart-- "the tongue, the chinese say, is like a sharp knife: it kills without drawing blood"


from Is it true?-- "Whose God are you looking for? asked the priest.
I replied: A starving man doesn't ask what the meal is"

XXI

how do you tell
dreams from reality
when you're asleep?
how do you know rock bottom
when you're already
in too deep?
maybe it's something
you don't know until it's done
maybe the answer
is different for everyone


(august 24, 2008)

XX

Can you see the sky
from where you are?
Do you see the moon?
I never got to say goodbye
You left all too soon
I wonder how things are
for you now
I hope you're okay
This world has
made me jaded
and I'm afraid your
image has faded
but in my heart
Your voice is clear
and I know through it all
You'll always be here

(fall 2003)

Politics

i think the idea of money is the worst thing to ever happen to us.

Genius

"Last Thoughts on Woody Guthrie"

BOB DYLAN

When your head gets twisted and your mind grows numb
When you think you're too old, too young, too smart or too dumb
When you're laggin' behind an' losin' your pace
In the slow-motion crawl or life's busy race
No matter whatcha doin' if you start givin' up
If the wine don't come to the top of your cup
If the wind got you sideways it's one hand holdin' on
And the other starts slippin' and the feelin' is gone
And your train engine fire needs a new spark to catch it
And the wood's easy findin' but you're lazy to fetch it
And your sidewalk starts curlin' and the street gets too long
And you start walkin' backwards though you know that it's wrong
And lonesome comes up as down goes the day
And tomorrow's mornin' seems so far away
And you feel the reins from your pony are slippin'
And your rope is a-slidin' 'cause your hands are a-drippin'
And your sun-decked desert and evergreen valleys
Turn to broken down slums and trash-can alleys
And your sky cries water and your drain pipe's a-pourin'
And the lightnin's a-flashin' and the thunder's a-crashin'
The windows are rattlin' and breakin' and the roof tops are shakin'
And your whole world's a-slammin' and bangin'
And your minutes of sun turn to hours of storm
An' to yourself you sometimes say
"I never knew it was gonna be this way
Why didn't they tell me the day I was born?"

And you start gettin' chills and you're jumpin' from sweat
And you're lookin' for somethin' you ain't quite found yet
And you're knee-deep in dark water with your hands in the air
And the whole world's watchin' with a window peek stare
And your good gal leaves and she's long gone a-flyin'
And your heart feels sick like fish when they're fryin'
And your jackhammer falls from your hands to your feet
But you need it badly an' it lays on the street
And your bell's bangin' loudly but you can't hear its beat
And you think your ears mighta been hurt
Your eyes've turned filthy from the sight-blindin' dirt
And you figured you failed in yesterday's rush
When you were faked out an' fooled while facin' a four flush
And all the time you were holdin' three queens
It's makin you mad, it's makin' you mean
Like in the middle of Life magazine
Bouncin' around a pinball machine
And there's something on your mind that you wanna be sayin'
That somebody someplace oughta be hearin'
But it's trapped on your tongue, sealed in your head
And it bothers you badly when your layin' in bed
And no matter how you try you just can't say it
And you're scared to your soul you just might forget it
And your eyes get swimmy from the tears in your head
An' your pillows of feathers turn to blankets of lead
And the lion's mouth opens and you're starin' at his teeth
And his jaws start closin' with you underneath
And you're flat on your belly with your hands tied behind
And you wish you'd never taken that last detour sign
You say to yourself just what am I doin'
On this road I'm walkin', on this trail I'm turnin'
On this curve I'm hangin'
On this pathway I'm strollin', this space I'm taking
And this air I'm inhaling?
Am I mixed up too much, am I mixed up too hard
Why am I walking, where am I running
What am I saying, what am I knowing
On this guitar I'm playing, on this banjo I'm frailing
On this mandolin I'm strumming, in the song I'm singing,
In the tune I'm humming, in the words that I'm thinking
In the words I'm writing
In this ocean of hours I'm all the time drinking
Who am I helping, what am I breaking
What am I giving, what am I taking?
But you try with your whole soul best
Never to think these thoughts and never to let
Them kind of thoughts gain ground
Or make your heart pound
But then again you know when they're around
Just waiting for a chance to slip and drop down
'Cause sometimes you hear 'em when the night time come creeping
And you fear they might catch you sleeping
And you jump from your bed, from the last chapter of dreamin'
And you can't remember for the best of your thinkin'
If that was you in the dream that was screaming
And you know that's somethin' special you're needin'
And you know there's no drug that'll do for the healing
And no liquor in the land to stop your brain from bleeding

You need somethin' special
You need somethin' special, all right
You need a fast flyin' train on a tornado track
To shoot you someplace and shoot you back
You need a cyclone wind on a stream engine howler
That's been banging and booming and blowing forever
That knows your troubles a hundred times over
You need a Greyhound bus that don't bar no race
That won't laugh at your looks
Your voice or your face
And by any number of bets in the book
Will be rolling long after the bubblegum craze
You need something to open up a new door
To show you something you seen before
But overlooked a hundred times or more
You need something to open your eyes
You need something to make it known
That it's you and no one else that owns
That spot that you're standing, that space that you're sitting
That the world ain't got you beat
That it ain't got you licked
It can't get you crazy no matter how many times you might get kicked
You need something special, all right
You need something special to give you hope
But hope's just a word
That maybe you said, maybe you heard
On some windy corner 'round a wide-angled curve

But that's what you need man, and you need it bad
And your trouble is you know it too good
'Cause you look an' you start gettin' the chills
'Cause you can't find it on a dollar bill
And it ain't on Macy's window sill
And it ain't on no rich kid's road map
And it ain't in no fat kid's fraternity house
And it ain't made in no Hollywood wheat germ
And it ain't on that dim-lit stage
With that half-wit comedian on it
Rantin' and ravin' and takin' your money
And you thinks it's funny
No, you can't find it neither in no night club, no yacht club
And it ain't in the seats of a supper club
And sure as hell you're bound to tell
No matter how hard you rub
You just ain't a-gonna find it on your ticket stub
No, it ain't in the rumors people're tellin' you
And it ain't in the pimple-lotion people are sellin' you
And it ain't in a cardboard-box house
Or down any movie star's blouse
And you can't find it on the golf course
And Uncle Remus can't tell you and neither can Santa Claus
And it ain't in the cream puff hairdo or cotton candy clothes
Ain't in the dime store dummies an' bubblegum goons
And it ain't in the marshmallow noises of the chocolate cake voices
That come knocking and tapping in Christmas wrapping
Sayin' ain't I pretty and ain't I cute, look at my skin,
Look at my skin shine, look at my skin glow,
Look at my skin laugh, look at my skin cry,
When you can't even sense if they got any insides
These people so pretty in their ribbons and bows
No, you'll not now or no other day
Find it on the doorsteps made of paper maché
And inside of the people made of molasses
That every other day buy a new pair of sunglasses
And it ain't in the fifty-star generals and flipped-out phonies
Who'd turn you in for a tenth of a penny
Who breathe and burp and bend and crack
And before you can count from one to ten
Do it all over again but this time behind your back, my friend,
The ones that wheel and deal and whirl and twirl
And play games with each other in their sand-box world
And you can't find it either in the no-talent fools
That run around gallant
And make all the rules for the ones that got talent
And it ain't in the ones that ain't got any talent but think they do
And think they're fooling you
The ones that jump on the wagon
Just for a while 'cause they know it's in style
To get their kicks, get out of it quick
And make all kinds of rnoney and chicks
And you yell to yourself and you throw down your hat
Saying, "Christ, do I gotta be like that?
Ain't there no one here that knows where I'm at
Ain't there no one here that knows how I feel
Good God Almighty, that stuff ain't real"

No, but that ain't your game, it ain't your race
You can't hear your name, you can't see your face
You gotta look some other place
And where do you look for this hope that you're seekin'
Where do you look for this lamp that's a-burnin'
Where do you look for this oil well gushin'
Where do you look for this candle that's glowin'
Where do you look for this hope that you know is there
And out there somewhere
And your feet can only walk down two kinds of roads
Your eyes can only look through two kinds of windows
Your nose can only smell two kinds of hallways
You can touch and twist
And turn two kinds of doorknobs
You can either go to the church of your choice
Or you go to Brooklyn State Hospital

You find God in the church of your choice
You find Woody Guthrie in Brooklyn State Hospital
And though it's only my opinion
I may be right or wrong
You'll find them both
In Grand Canyon
Sundown

right now.

lately i've been trying to be too many things at once. well, that's true throughout my life. lately i've been feeling the pressure of it.

sometimes i forget to just take a deep breath and be me.

XIX

It's all about love
and it's all about hate
you better make up your mind
before it's too late
it's a fine line
between dreaming and believing
you can fool yourself
but it's me who
needs convincing
is this your
fantasy come true
or is it all a ruse?


(June 25, 2008)

XVIII

I've been trying to be somebody else for so long, I don't even know how to be me. I don't know how to be me because I don't know who I am. I'm the girl who has never learned how to make a cursive "k" but writes them all of the time anyway. The girl that loves to take pictures but doesn't know what to do with them. A girl who thinks she has to copy somebody to ever be successful. Who tries to sound like other people when she sings, tries to write like other people when she writes, wants to look and dress like other people. But I can't really be anyone else. This girl has to be herself... Problem is, she can't find herself anymore.



(June 22, 2008)

XVII

You live your life in whispers
Not wanting to make a scene
Trying not to stand out
Never being seen
Hoping someone will
Hear your silent scream
Trying not to stand out
Makes it hard to just fit in

Don't let another day pass you by
It's time to raise your voice to the sky
Don't be scared, don't cry
Just don't let another day
Pass you by



(May 16, 2008)

XVI

Kiss me once
So I know how it feels
Kiss me twice
This cant be real


(May 6, 2008)

XV

I'm at a loss for words
whenever you are near
but baby come closer
there's something I
need you to hear
You've been on my mind
both day and night
You've been by my side
when I couldn't see the light
The darkness is lifting
And I think that you
are to blame
I just have to tell you
one more thing--
I think we need to
nurture this flame


(May 6, 2008)

XIV

My mind is thinking
Out loud again
It says the time
Has come to change
And you can't be better
If you stay the same
So let step
Up our game
Because you deserve
More than this


(May 4, 2008)

XIII

I have two feet off the ground
and my heads lost among the clouds
but I don't ever want to come down
no never come down
It gets lonely up here too
when I spend all my time watching you
that doesn't mean that I want to leave
I just wish that you were up here with me


(April 22, 2008)

XII

New Age Philosophy
And love love love
Is all I need
Except for you
to be with me

(April 21, 2008)

XI

Last call was 40 minutes ago
They want to close-up
I'm having trouble finding the door
Don't they understand
I don't want to leave you tonight
They don't know
I have nowhere else to go
Now they're taking my arm
They are taking me away
You are watching us
With nothing to say
You raise your hand
And wave goodbye


(April 21, 2008)

X

Fingerprints
independent films
quick kisses
stolen time
fingerprints
Reminders
on the glass
in the dust
the sand
and flesh
you were
here
Fingerprints
letters in French
frozen time
you are mine
Fingerprints
show you
exist




(June 17, 2008)

IX

Give me a new pair of eyes
So I can see a brighter day
A new pair of legs
or some colorful wings
to carry me away
I need a new set of clothes
What I have is dirty
and wet from rain
Give me another chance
I need a new start
now that I am ready

(June 15, 2008)

VIII

Right now, everything inside me feels chaotic. It has for quite some time. Like the wallpaper is peeling, the flowers are wilting, the skies are grey in this soul of mine. There is no life. The calm before the storm? The eye of the storm? Who really knows? I just wish I felt something, that I felt warmth. I wish I could feel the beauty I see and touch--and that I could keep it safe(ly) inside of me, in the heart of my soul.

(June 11, 2008)

VII

Fallen angels
Keep you safe
Empty bottles
Cover the floor
His voice echoes
In this tiny place
A fate less perfect
You never thought
It would change
For tonight
If not tomorrow
Angels keep you safe

(June 10, 2008)

VI

I want to be a nature, fashion, portrait, and movie photographer. I want to be a cinematographer, a screenwriter, a set designer, a producer, a film maker. I want to be both teacher and student --of everything. I want to be an artist, a realist, a philosopher, and activist. I want to be a journalist, a short story writer, a novelist. I want to be a traveler, a tourist. I want to be a singer, song-writer, a musician, guitarist, pianist. An entertainer. I want to be a detective, a lawyer, a fighter, a lover, a mother, a daughter, a child, a sister, an aunt, a neighbor, a shoulder, a friend. I want to be me. Whoever that is.

(June 10, 2008)

V

I can't even tell you
How nervous I am
Standing here
Heart in hand
Pit in my stomach
Desert in my mouth
Metaphors are endless
Time for the truth
To come out
I wanna know
How you feel
I wanna know
Could this be real

(June 5, 2008)

IV

That smile
You wear like a pro
The secret
Everyone wants to know
The pain
You never, ever show

(June 4, 2008)

III

listen to the rain
steady as a drum
tapping on the tin roof
falling to the ground
on this porch we sit
steady hypnotized by it
it soothes the mind
like you sooth my soul
strumming your guitar
and humming
a tune without words

(June 3, 2008)

II

Just a cup of coffee and
A good crossword to get me through
Just a cup of coffee and
I don't need you
I've got some music
I've got enough gas
I'm gonna fly outta here
I'm gonna lose your ass
Cause those lies
You've told me
Well I'm trying to forget
And the further I run
The closer I get

(June 1, 2008)

I

Here today, gone tomorrow
How does one live in such
A world of sorrow?
A world controlled
by anger and hate
Where everyone with faith
Is praying
It's not to late
to save or be saved,
to die or live on,
to fight for those
who are gone
In a world of greed
And lust and fear
What is there
to hold dear?

(June 1, 2008)